Searching is hard on the nerves, and my nerves are not well suited for it in the first place. Most people feel good as a result of doing good, setting up a nice positive feedback loop. PTSD steals that from me. I do good, I feel good, and PTSD opens the floodgates for yet another crashing wave of despair.
So, for me, doing good is a negative feedback loop on the emotional level. The only benefits I get out of doing good are moral and intellectual. That has to be enough, because there's nothing else.
People accuse me of overthinking. Duh, I wonder why.
But searching brings up all sorts of feelings of doubt and self-worthlessness. After all, it is an objective fact that I was abandoned. However good the reasons might have been at the time, I am completely justified in feeling -- what do I feel exactly?
Abandoned.
Alone.
Isolated.
Helpless.
Betrayed.
Cheated.
Terrified.
Alone.
Hopeless.
Anonymous.
Bereft.
Grief-stricken.
Alone.
Those are my feelings. I will claim them and own them and not deny them or try to "get over them" or "walk away from them".
But those are the feelings of my younger self. The person I am today is not alone, not isolated, not helpless. I have to keep reminding myself of those facts. The positive emotions they generate are obliterated by the tidal wave of negative emotions from the past, nonetheless, none the less, they are facts.
I have to hold on to those facts.
PTSD is endemic among adoptees. That means this struggle must be common among adult adoptees. Another "benefit" of the "win-win" of adoption.
So, for me, doing good is a negative feedback loop on the emotional level. The only benefits I get out of doing good are moral and intellectual. That has to be enough, because there's nothing else.
People accuse me of overthinking. Duh, I wonder why.
But searching brings up all sorts of feelings of doubt and self-worthlessness. After all, it is an objective fact that I was abandoned. However good the reasons might have been at the time, I am completely justified in feeling -- what do I feel exactly?
Abandoned.
Alone.
Isolated.
Helpless.
Betrayed.
Cheated.
Terrified.
Alone.
Hopeless.
Anonymous.
Bereft.
Grief-stricken.
Alone.
Those are my feelings. I will claim them and own them and not deny them or try to "get over them" or "walk away from them".
But those are the feelings of my younger self. The person I am today is not alone, not isolated, not helpless. I have to keep reminding myself of those facts. The positive emotions they generate are obliterated by the tidal wave of negative emotions from the past, nonetheless, none the less, they are facts.
I have to hold on to those facts.
PTSD is endemic among adoptees. That means this struggle must be common among adult adoptees. Another "benefit" of the "win-win" of adoption.
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