I've never attempted to write about anything this painful in my life. The level of emotional turmoil and devastation it's causing me is up there with the death of my first child, except now I have three living children to look after and can't spend the day hiding under the table with a stack of escapist fiction (my drug of choice). And being highly distracted isn't helping any.
Yesterday I sent an email to the Tulane library asking for some general reference material not even related to an adoption search and broke down crying. Today I tried to write but it hurt so much all I could do was save a few links for later -- not the first day I've had like that recently.
So -- I'm not going to be able to post every day. I may not be able to even work on a post every day. Journaling is a powerful therapeutic device, but I'm going to have to take it in small doses.
Also I have to remember to take baby steps. It's not fair to you, my readers, to take you on a journey and not explain every step along the way and how I reached each one.
Since it looks like this high level of chronic emotional pain and distraction isn't going anywhere for a while, I'm going to have to make room for it in my life in such a way that it doesn't inconvenience myself or others. I'm not quite sure how to do this. I suspect it will involve more meditation, although it's difficult to meditate when you're easily distracted. And more exercise would probably be good, if only for working out the stress.
That's the game plan at any rate. We'll see what happens.
Yesterday I sent an email to the Tulane library asking for some general reference material not even related to an adoption search and broke down crying. Today I tried to write but it hurt so much all I could do was save a few links for later -- not the first day I've had like that recently.
So -- I'm not going to be able to post every day. I may not be able to even work on a post every day. Journaling is a powerful therapeutic device, but I'm going to have to take it in small doses.
Also I have to remember to take baby steps. It's not fair to you, my readers, to take you on a journey and not explain every step along the way and how I reached each one.
Since it looks like this high level of chronic emotional pain and distraction isn't going anywhere for a while, I'm going to have to make room for it in my life in such a way that it doesn't inconvenience myself or others. I'm not quite sure how to do this. I suspect it will involve more meditation, although it's difficult to meditate when you're easily distracted. And more exercise would probably be good, if only for working out the stress.
That's the game plan at any rate. We'll see what happens.
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